Long time no post

So I broke his heart.

I went down there thinking that maybe I'd be able to be friends and just enjoy the time I had in FL. I thought that we'd be fine, and he would accept the easy friendship that formed with everyone I met down there. Instead, he wanted more, and I wasn't willing to give my heart away so easily. I never have been, and this has cost me a good deal. Too much hurt on my own without risking being hurt by someone else, but in the end, we both come out hurt. He was rejected, and I have lost a very good friend in the process.

I warned him though, telling him that my interest lied only in the realm of friends. He apparently felt chemistry that I did not. He wanted a romance that just wasn't meant to be, and I tried to tell him as much without being blunt. I know I failed in that respect and do not blame him for being hurt. I'm not an eloquent person when it comes to face to face encounters. I'm barely eloquent in text, so please, do give a girl a break.

Though I am a bit MIFFED that he couldn't even see me off at the bus station, instead leaving me to the friend who'd only fallen asleep two hours prior. I hope he was late to work that day. Twat.

It's strange, the way things work out lately. I like to think that I am on my way to forming a few friendships with coworkers at my latest place of employment, but I cannot help but wonder about the friendships I had when I was in high school.


I look at pictures of people who claim to be friends with me, and I can't help but ask, "Who are these people?"

I'd like to think that I recognize people who meant a great deal to me in the days of my youth, but now, there are people I've apparently impacted who I don't know from the few seniors who walk by my place of employment whenever I am behind the counter.


But as I continue to think about it, I can't help but wonder if it's not their perception of the association we shared that's skewed, but mine. I have never claimed to hold every thing to the same value that "normal" people do. I wouldn't dream of it. I appreciate the meaning of the word friendship that I have in my mind.


Do passengers of two ships that pass in the night consider each other friends?


And I'm not sure if that made much sense. Friendship, as something wholly definable, never did to me, so I suppose my odd little metaphors wouldn't.


Strange. Oh, well. For the night, I give up on my questions and ponderings. My mind races enough already as I sleep.


To those who read this, good night and may you have pleasant or no dreams.

Year one. Less than eight months in and I found myself crippled by the force of day. Spent a chunk of the day trying to ignore the workings of my own mind. Wound up failing during the later part of the day, but I lived, I suppose.

Not without injury though... Wound up walking yesterday and almost can't walk as a result today. I am pretty sure that my seven mile walk is going to turn into a nine mile walk next week at the rate I'm going. Especially considering I walked five miles last week.

This is turning into a year of loss. Family and friends have died or gotten sick. The latest one is a girl who I befriended but haven't talked to in years. She is also the sister of an old friend of mine. Barely out of her teens.


Never would have expected this to happen after everything that has taken place earlier this year.


I don't think I want to hope for this year to improve. Each time I do, it only gets worse.

It still hurts enough to cry when I think about this past year. I'm tired of feeling like this. I guess the line from one of Stephenie Meyer's novels holds true unfortunately --


"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget."

It is odd, how easily talking to an old friend can bring up your mood. I am sure that the last time I talked to one of them was before I realized that this coming year would not include my returning to the field of academia. I know that I missed our random bouts of sniping at each other, but I did not realize how much.


Well, earlier today, I got to talk to him. My mood, which had been fairly good to begin with, seemed to have skyrocketed. I found myself laughing more than I have in a while. I even told him that I miss him, anticipating his reaction to be one of playful mocking. There was a touch of that, but in the end, he admitted the same. I have missed this sort of bantering with friends.


To all those who read this, I encourage you to go out and reconnect with old friends, even if for a moment. Strike up a conversation. Offer a smile. Just do something. You might be surprised.

Rest in Peace, George Carlin. A great man who knew what it meant to put the freedom of speech to good use. Today is a sad day for Comedy.


Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker, and tits.


The seven words will not be forgotten.

Just close your eyes...

Time's passing. I look around and see people getting ready for life. Friends are planning their futures with significant others, and I can't see the appeal. I don't understand the appeal of people wanting to tie themselves to others. Perhaps this goes along with the idea of having kids. Maybe I've seen the side of life that blatantly shows why domesticity isn't a good thing. Well, those aspects of domesticity.


I'm still going through and listening as friends plan future weddings. Choosing wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses. All the while, I'm trying to figure out why people put themselves through this.


At least one friend has an idea -- She's planning on going to grad school, and I believe the word "if" has slipped into her vocabulary.


Maybe there is some hope left in my tiny little world.

Two thoughts...

On Saturday the 14th, I had a couple of thoughts pass through my mind. They've both stuck out in my mind, and I don't think it could hurt to post them.


"We all have our moments of clarity. For some, these moments come too late. I hope that this isn't the case for me."


"Some people need saving while others need to be the saviors. I personally dread the day that I have to be either one."

Something is on my mind, bothering me with its presence, and unfortunately, I cannot think of any ways to phrase what it is that is bothering me. The words are dancing along my consciousness, just teasing me.


Well, maybe I'm just being weird about that.