Thoughts

It's usually the parents who worry about their kids taking drugs and going to jail. In my case, it's the child that has to worry about the parent going to jail on drug charges.
Now, I know my life can be seen as a little backwards, but HOW did I take on the parental role in this mucked up father/daughter relationship?

Lola and Phone Calls

First of all, I'd like to welcome the reason I'm typing one handedly into my quirky little world-- Lola the chihuahua. Sweetest little girl who is getting lots of love.

Now, for some of the usual. Now, I am sleep's biggest fan. I admit to loving sleep. I need it like a puppy needs love. I'm just vicious and shaky without it. With that said, care to guess how many times my sleep was interrupted last night? Three, count them, three times. I was far from a happy camper. Some people don't seem to think that I need plenty of sleep with my job, but rest assured, the happy, personable demeanor I play up so well doesn't come to me easily. I need plenty of energy to uphold it, and when someone tells me, "Wake the fuck up," my mood's going to be even lower.

To drag it even further into the depths is the wishy washy behavior of the person waking me up.

And note, this was just the first one to rouse me from my slumber. I'm not even going to start on numbers 2 & 3 at this time. Just needed to grump about #1.

Long Due Update

So September has come, and almost gone. It's been easier than expected, though it did start out rather roughly. Sleep has been my saving grace I suspect, though I may bitch and moan about my current vocation. Despite my antisocial behaviour, I believe I have made a new friend. Out of a new coworker mind you, but that is sadly how most of my recent friendships have begun. I feel rather like Randall out of Clerks 2: too old to make friends. Well, too old to put in the effort. A sad thing to say from a girl a few months shy of 26.

My years in college have been coming back to me lately. Mostly an idea that I toyed with that concerned my 26th birthday, and I wonder if I should carry the idea on out. The idea very rarely ever seems appealing anymore, but as I am no longer close friends with the person who advised me against it as we shared the same date of birth, I see no reason to not.

I will not reveal what the idea was, but if I carry out, you'll only be able to guess. Sorry readers, but it's the truth. If I don't, I'll let everyone who reads this know.

Now, all melodrama aside, I have to say that I have missed my updating. I wish there was something of interest to post about other than panic attacks and sleeplessness. Perhaps next month will be better. It is not September after all.

Relationships from an Outsider's Perspective

I'm once again wondering why I've been toying with the idea of a relationship. A coworker, not to mention good friend of mine, has recently discovered some slightly "playful" discussions between her SO and another girl. She knows nothing has taken place between them, but she's still angry.

Perhaps it is from the viewpoint of someone who's been angry one time too many, but I don't understand the appeal of a partnership that leads to such emotional negativity. I know that people say that one must take the good with the bad, but I'm not sure if I could be so trusting in my anger. I commend my friend for being so set in her belief (though honestly, I have to believe that he's not screwed around just because he doesn't seem like the type, though my opinion may be biased since he's also a friend). I'm just not sure if I could be if I were in her shoes.

Opening Up

As I'm sure anyone who had read this blog will know, opening up emotionally is not my strong suit. I'm not completely used to the idea of being capable of opening up to someone so completely that it leaves me vulnerable for all to see. For some reason though, for the past few days, I've been feeling far more vulnerable than I usually allow myself to feel. This has left me feeling weepy without the ability to shed tears (and I assure you that it takes quite a lot to get me to cry). It's left me exhausted and hyperactive. It's left me feeling more alone than I care to realize.

To those who don't know me well enough to know this, I am a big believer in the metaphysical, as well as the supernatural. I believe in energy around us being capable of alter the very way which we feel. I believe in a good number of things, but it was mostly the latter part of what I just said.

I've got to wonder if it's this energy around me that's causing me to feel this way.

I don't know, but I'm definitely not enjoying this sensation at the moment. Vulnerability is not a good look for me.

A Rainy Day

To say that I hate the rain would be misleading. It would, however, not be misleading if I said that sometimes the rain can prove to be one of the banes of my existence.

Now, I won't say that I'm prone to panic or anxiety attacks. While I'm fairly high strung, I'm usually composed enough to keep myself calm. This is something I've regained over the course of the past year, give or take. Given how my emotional state of well being has fluctuated for the most part, but it has stabilised.

Now, with this said, I must admit that after a day of driving around, which I don't usually do, I find the rain feeding on old paranoia and fear stemming back to September 2006. I'm not going to go in depth about what happened. That's a story to tell later. I'll just relate that this time it was in the role of the passenger that I felt the old anxiety rise up.

For a slight clue -- not being able to see more than five feet in front of you while riding in torrential rain is bloody well terrifying when you're more than a little tired. Granted, a cat coming up to you and silently asking to be pet is most definitely a great comfort. Especially when said cat was previously too scared to come near you.

With that said, I'm going to clutch at a strawberry blonde tom who is currently climbing all over me. (Don't you wish you could say that at various points in time. ;)

The Myth of the Biological Clock

It seems that whenever I mention not wanting to ever have children, someone winds up bringing the tripe bit of garbage about the so called Biological Clock. They tell me that, as a woman, my clock will be going off soon, blaring about how it's time for me to expel a larger bit of biological matter from my body.

I don't believe it.

If the propaganda about the biological clock were true, then how does it affect nuns? These women dedicate themselves to a lifestyle that leads them away from an existence filled with carnal desires, and as a result, producing progeny. Does one say to them, "Oh, give it time. Your biological clock will be screaming when you're older?"

I'd hope not. It'd be considered offensive, so I have to wonder about what makes it right to say such a thing to a woman who simply refuses to bear a child without the added condition of lifelong servitude to a deity. What makes it right to belittle a woman's choice so freely?

Nothing, in my opinion. The garbage about the biological clock is just that-- garbage. If one feels the desire to reproduce, then go right ahead, but don't belittle those who don't. Some of us are just realizing how overpopulated the world really is.

And the rest, well, I'm guessing they just don't care. I don't.

It's a sad thought when I think about just how readily some people can lose themselves to an obsession with television shows. How readily people are willing to welcome worlds drenched in fantasy and imagined horrors is a thought that leaves me worried for the people who want these worlds. Can life really be that bleak?

Take a friend of mine for example-- instead of working on issues with her boyfriend and spending time with her two kids, often she is lamenting about how she's treated or yelling at her young boys. Every time our schedules mesh, I spend the time listening to her go on and on about the latest show she's been watching or to descriptions of the dreams in which she is with whichever character she finds attractive or desirable.

I wish that there was something that I could say, but what can one say to a friend who feels trapped by the family she loves?

Anonymity

Now, readers, I've been reading a bit about anonymity, and it's led me to want to make one thing clear.

I've no intention of remaining anonymous. If asked (which I doubt will happen), I'm not going to shy away and say, "Oh, I'm just my pseudonym." I make no open attempt to go about revealing my true persona, but I'm not really secretive enough to go through and hide it fully like so many bloggers have been in the past. I am who I am.

And honestly, if you look hard enough to find my email address, you're going to find out a couple of things about me right off the bat. If you click the first link under suggested readings, you'll find a link to a real life friend of mine's blog. If your take on word play is good enough, from her information, you'll find out even more about me.

With this said, I don't encourage you to go through and actually look me up. I've had enough stalkers in my day.

That and I encourage you to read this blog with an open mind. To go through and read about the various bits of drama that take place without your perception having been altered by knowing what some of my interests are and just how crazed I am about certain subjects. If you want to know the truth or about some of my interests, ask. I'm an open person. Just give me a while to get back to you. I don't have constant internet access after all.

An update from me because the last few have been on such blase notes--

I am such a girl. Crying over Japanese dramas. Well, what can I say except I'm a sucker for sappy story lines, emotional finales, and good acting. Especially the acting. Though I suppose this could be an instance of the grass being greener. When one grows tired of seeing nothing more than bad comedy or over the top cat fights (both verbal and physical mind), one has to find entertainment from other cultures.

Ah well. Now, I'll just have to find another way to get my fix. That or just indulge the part of me that loves British science fiction until my brain no longer wants to blurt out "Tadaima!" the moment I step in the front door.