Year one. Less than eight months in and I found myself crippled by the force of day. Spent a chunk of the day trying to ignore the workings of my own mind. Wound up failing during the later part of the day, but I lived, I suppose.

Not without injury though... Wound up walking yesterday and almost can't walk as a result today. I am pretty sure that my seven mile walk is going to turn into a nine mile walk next week at the rate I'm going. Especially considering I walked five miles last week.

This is turning into a year of loss. Family and friends have died or gotten sick. The latest one is a girl who I befriended but haven't talked to in years. She is also the sister of an old friend of mine. Barely out of her teens.


Never would have expected this to happen after everything that has taken place earlier this year.


I don't think I want to hope for this year to improve. Each time I do, it only gets worse.

It still hurts enough to cry when I think about this past year. I'm tired of feeling like this. I guess the line from one of Stephenie Meyer's novels holds true unfortunately --


"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget."

It is odd, how easily talking to an old friend can bring up your mood. I am sure that the last time I talked to one of them was before I realized that this coming year would not include my returning to the field of academia. I know that I missed our random bouts of sniping at each other, but I did not realize how much.


Well, earlier today, I got to talk to him. My mood, which had been fairly good to begin with, seemed to have skyrocketed. I found myself laughing more than I have in a while. I even told him that I miss him, anticipating his reaction to be one of playful mocking. There was a touch of that, but in the end, he admitted the same. I have missed this sort of bantering with friends.


To all those who read this, I encourage you to go out and reconnect with old friends, even if for a moment. Strike up a conversation. Offer a smile. Just do something. You might be surprised.

Rest in Peace, George Carlin. A great man who knew what it meant to put the freedom of speech to good use. Today is a sad day for Comedy.


Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker, and tits.


The seven words will not be forgotten.

Just close your eyes...

Time's passing. I look around and see people getting ready for life. Friends are planning their futures with significant others, and I can't see the appeal. I don't understand the appeal of people wanting to tie themselves to others. Perhaps this goes along with the idea of having kids. Maybe I've seen the side of life that blatantly shows why domesticity isn't a good thing. Well, those aspects of domesticity.


I'm still going through and listening as friends plan future weddings. Choosing wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses. All the while, I'm trying to figure out why people put themselves through this.


At least one friend has an idea -- She's planning on going to grad school, and I believe the word "if" has slipped into her vocabulary.


Maybe there is some hope left in my tiny little world.

Two thoughts...

On Saturday the 14th, I had a couple of thoughts pass through my mind. They've both stuck out in my mind, and I don't think it could hurt to post them.


"We all have our moments of clarity. For some, these moments come too late. I hope that this isn't the case for me."


"Some people need saving while others need to be the saviors. I personally dread the day that I have to be either one."

Something is on my mind, bothering me with its presence, and unfortunately, I cannot think of any ways to phrase what it is that is bothering me. The words are dancing along my consciousness, just teasing me.


Well, maybe I'm just being weird about that.

On a Thought

It seems that, as most journeys do, mine has deviated into a new direction that I wasn't completely prepared for. This coming fall, I will not be returning to college, and as much as it pains me, I suppose it is for the best. I know that an education is important. I will forever live with that knowledge, and I will try to go back to finish up my education as soon as possible. I just no means of financing, so for now, I join the ranks of the working world.


As to why this is for the best, this year has been far from the healthiest for my emotional and mental health. Between discovering that friends and family had died and being told that a friend has cancer combined with the fact that I was struggling to deal with the fact that I couldn't feel safe in my own apartment, I've barely managed to maintain some sense of optimism.


I utter the both metaphorical and literal sigh, having gotten past the anger already. I gave myself no choice. The burden of the past semester would have proven too much. It's a sad truth, but it is a truth nonetheless.

Do not worry. I've already made arrangements for a place to stay. My life shall continue on as it always has, one test at a time. The next -- moving and finding a job over the course of a month. I have some plans in mind. Call centers, tech support companies, etc.

I won't be counted out yet.

A Day

I would love to be able to say that I am finished with my senior work for my creative writing degree, but I can't. I can say that I am one step closer however. After today, one course that I dreaded since realizing that I would have to take it about four years ago is almost complete. I hit my own personal milestone in the fact that I went up onto a stage and began preparing myself for my final project -- A capstone reading that I will be giving sometime in the next year or so. Most likely in November.


It's almost sad though. With this day, I realized that my life in college is almost over. I know that this means that my life in the so called "real world" is about to begin, but, honestly, is that something that I should honestly look forward to? Maybe, maybe not. I've gotten comfortable in my rut, and that's why I like it. I'm a creature of habit. What else can I say?


But my comfortability is my curse in the end though. I've learned that if I let myself get comfy in my present position, I wind up stuck in a rut that drags me down. That's probably why the last couple of years have not been as successful as I could hope they would have been. That's the only reason I'm not on the verge of panicking when it comes to thinking about what I am going to do after I get out of here. That's the only reason that the first weekend in May of 2009 is looking more like a bright point than one of no return.

And with those words, I must part good readers. I hope everyone who reads this finds some sort of vague interest in the miniscule details of my life. Don't quite know why anyone would, but as the saying goes -- "The grass is always greener."