I want to talk. I want to say something. Anything. I want some sound to come out of my mouth, but no matter how I try, nothing. Not a squeak, not a grunt, not a cry. I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes, burning them with not even boiling heat, and I can't do anything about them. They won't fall. They just sit there, building up in the ducts. This sort of behavior isn't healthy. Never has been really.


Then again, this is behavior I've resorted to since I was young. Hold in everything until sick. Seems the sickness has taken on a new form. Hopefully it's going to pass. I mean, I have a job I need to worry about. I have classes I need to worry about. I can't go without speaking. Especially with this semester.


Maybe I am just worrying too much. Perhaps I just need to calm myself down. Perhaps I should just try to ignore the things that are going on around me for the most part. Bury myself in my own noise. My laptop speakers and my TV. My writing and my life. If there was anyway to do that without completely shutting myself off, I'd be happy, but for now, that seems like the only idea feasible.


Wish me luck if not some sheer sense of hope.