Curiosity

Sometimes, I have to wonder what the appeal is to tying ones self to another person. Days like this, I find myself wanting to propose to someone.

I think I need to be slapped on days like this.

New Thoughts

The more I read on feminism, the less I seem capable of describing myself as one. At one point, I would have found this sad, but as my world has shifted to encompass ideas outside of what I knew, I'm finding myself to be glad for the loss of this label.

Why? Because with it comes the idea that many of my favorite bloggers are nothing more than contemptible faux human beings who are setting women back by decades.

How? Because they enjoy/work involving some sort of sexual "deviancy." Former call girls, dommes, pornography pioneers who are working towards broadening the scope to include hard core made for women. These women are the ones who are promoting true feminism.

Not women who promote the idea that sex should always be vanilla. That women shouldn't be using sex as a means of supporting themselves. Yes, some women live hard lives that leave them feeling as if they have no choice but to go to sex work, but not all women in the industry are like that. Not all women using sex to get money are crack whores. In the case of Belle de Jour, you have a brilliant woman who willingly chose to prove the idea that sex sells.

Anyways, enough of my prattling. Ta for now.

I must learn to avoid picking up my phone on bad days turned good. Doing so usually winds up leading me back down the bad day path once again.

After working and then spending a few hours with an old friend of mind, I went home and tried to have a few hours to myself in which I could write and read a little Carlin. Half an hour into my evening, however, I make the major mistake of the evening.

He at first texted me with a goofy comment much like before all of the drama began. I was hoping that maybe he just wanted to be friends again. what can I say? After a good day, I'm allowed to be childishly hopeful, aren't I?

Apparently not.

Shortly into our conversation, he wanted to speak seriously. Warning signal number 1. I should have realized where this was going to go, but I, being childishly hopeful still, believed that maybe he was working towards the last bit of closure. Nope. He wanted to continue on about my lack of interest. He wanted to continue to push me into dangerous territory that is the emotional aspect of my being. This may seem like I'm being irrational about it all, but take into account that the last time I became as emotional as he wanted me to go was in January of 2008, which he himself admitted. This is dangerous territory due to the fact that around this time, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to the stress that was continually piling on due to deaths, bad roommates, and other personal issues.

Now, when my head is back to where is should be, how can I be expected to be so emotionally fragile? It's not a part of who I am normally. He knows this but still fails to comprehend that pushing me to talk is simply a means of pushing me away.

I wound up emotional, all right, though not the way he wanted. In this girl's opinion, it seemed like he wanted me to be all weepy and gushy, declaring that he was right, and I should want to shag him and be his emotional fuck toy. Instead, he was dealing with the enraged girl who doesn't show this side of herself often.

It's for that reason that I'm tempted to cut off communication permanently. To cut this source of drama out of my life. I don't need someone who needs me on the verge of a nervous breakdown just so I'd run to him as my shoulder to cry on. I have other friends for that, and they'd rather see me stable and healthy.

And as an ironic ending to this post, I have to say that Belle de Jour once again proves to be right. Here is the post that I read that seems to perfectly describe the way he's been acting. And please note, dear readers, that I had all but this last paragraph written before I came across this entry. My points as to how this works --

• "In other words, what Nice Guy is hoping to do is wear down a woman’s resistance over time in the hope that she will give in someday – most likely shortly after a breakup, or under the influence of alcohol – and bestow on him a Pity Fuck" -- I cannot count the number of times that he's referred to himself as a "Nice Guy." In addition to this, he's blatantly tried to get me drunk, insisting that I "get wasted," on my birthday during which time he was going to be in my presence.
• "A Nice Guy will only establish a friendship with a woman with the intention of cracking on to her eventually." -- I believe that the current drama is a sign of this.
• "'Nice Guy' will: hand her a tenner for the taxi 'only as long as you meet me for drinks next week’."-- A different take on this but along the same vein. When I last saw him, I left a ring at his place. I've politely asked for it to be returned twice. He's since then stated that he's only going to give me a ring when I let him stay with me for a week.
• "'Nice Guy' will: steer the conversation towards relationships. Either hers (the better to put her in a vulnerable position) or his (the better to elicit sympathy)." -- Yes, I do believe in honesty, but I also recall how he was asking me about my past relationships both simply romantic as well as sexual shortly after our first conversation. I also recall telling him that my past sexual partners have been ones who I've lost interest in almost immediately, only to have him say that we should sleep together just to see if that would happen. I told him that I'd rather remain friends than risking it all over a simple night of fucking.
• "'Nice Guy' will: come on strong, move quickly, and throw blame at her if she gets cold feet. He'll jump straight to the L-word, often without knowing much more about her than surface qualities. Is considerably nicer to her when he knows others are watching." -- The first time he ever hugged me, he moved in for the kiss and grope. For which I almost decked him. He's said the L-word more times than I can recall, and all I've told him is what I either wanted him to know (as bad as that turn of phrase sounds) or what I'd revealed during my more fragile moments. Nothing truly about me. No depth to his knowledge. No caring for anything that doesn't really involve him getting shagged.

So, after all of this, I'm tempted to go ahead and say "keep the ring and lose my number." This drama has gone on long enough, and I'm frankly tired of it.

Dear Readers:

Why can't some people seem to understand the idea of working through emotions at my own pace? Why must the feelings be forced out into the blinding light of day that lets only anger and resentment come to the forefront? Why must I be forced into being emotional when being open in such a way goes against my very nature?

Explanations will come sooner or later, though if you've read up, you'll have the general idea who this is about.

- Me

Work woes

I'm presently sitting at a table where I work and am having to wonder just what is wrong with the teenagers of this city. I don't mean to sound like one of many elderly (which I assure you I'm not) I've known in my life, but there is something wrong with the teenagers of today. Case in point -- one of my coworkers.

D2, as I shall call him for all intensive purposes, has proven to be a definite sign that society is doomed. He is lacking motivation and cares only for doing what makes life and work easier for him. I am known for being the person who comes in to work on time, if not early. In contrast, D2 has been consistantly late which is nice as it means more hours for myself, but in a time in which management is looking for a reason to let go of monetary losses, this can also be a bit of a double edged sword.

He constantly seems to be looking for a reason to play, other employees, "practicing" (you can only a drink wrong so many times before asking for help), etc. He has been known to leave behind unfinished work, and requests for others to do the simplest tasks are common.

Perhaps I am so aggravated due to the fact that not only does he lack motivation, he lacks the ability to think five minutes ahead. Make a suggestion, and he realizes minutes after taking the separate route that the original was acceptable as well. Or simply it was because he needed to be told to do his job. Repeatedly. I'm leaning towards my reasoning being the latter as I think.

A sigh would be good right about now.

Well, someone's been reading... And not well

I think that as someone who chooses to respect the wishes of others, I should be treated with that same respect.

I do not want a relationship, and he still pushes, trying to figure out why in an attempt to gain some of the closeness we had, but I wonder if it is too little too late. I cannot maintain interest, knowing his intentions and goals are solely physical. I want emotional and mental intimacy. Not a fuck buddy.

There have been few who I have felt this way with, and those are the ones I would ever truly consider for lovers in any sense.

These stories I shall divulge later, when I truly feel comfortable telling them.

Personal Growth

On a slightly more terrifying note, as I look back at my earlier entries, I can't help but notice that I have grown as a person. Yes, I'm still fairly self centered (this is MY blog after all), but my life no longer focuses on grades and not killing my roommates. Even in the past four posts, I've seen that my personal opinion of myself has improved. I'm still the fairly self deprecating creature that can be found in my OLD blog, but I'm no longer seeking out approval from those around me as much as I used to. I noticed that when I wrote that I deserved better, I actually meant it. I'm also finding myself no longer willing to hurt myself by straining to maintain old relationships that had the possibility of being harmful in the end.

I think I'm finally growing up, after twenty some odd years.

Yay me.

Enough.

Forget you, and the friendship that you have decided to be nothing more than a long drawn out pursuit for a tumble between the sheets. Forget you, and the fact that you decided that I wasn't worth being friends with when I turned down your romantic advances. Forget you, and the fact that you don't seem capable of maintaining a friendship that isn't all about you getting your cock sucked.


I came into the friendship wanting nothing more than that. I told you that, and now you're so bleeding immature that you're willing to throw away the friendship and trust that took months to forge. I don't appreciate the fact that you are so capable of throwing away the long conversations. I don't appreciate the sense of betrayal that dares to rear its head when I think of the times I called you crying over the time of our friendship, knowing that in the end it was just a ploy to get into my pants.


You know what? I'm glad I never slept with you. You never deserved me, and I see that now.


So, if you ever decide to grow up, then feel free to contact me. I'm through making the effort.

Apology

To those who at one time followed this blog, I apologise (yes, British spelling. Get over it) for my long absence. I've been away, working and making attempts at getting through a life that has not been easy over the past two years. While, for the first few months, I made a fair attempt at keeping this up to date, I find that I in the end failed.

I make no promises to be much of a success, but I find that life has led me here and I hope to figure out why. Until then, I hope that my many anecdotes, neuroses, and quiet contemplations keep you entertained. Well, not really, but that sounds like something nice to say, doesn't it. This blog is mine, and I write for my entertainment alone. Readers are just along for the ride.

As for an update, while I have suffered no personal loss in the last year, I find that my mind drifts on to the ones from the past two, which happened shortly after the post about how I wanted to say something. I still do, but the words are more easily slipping from the tips of my fingers than they are from my mouth.

January is not a good month for myself, or a few of the others who I am in touch with, and for that I wish to say that I am sorry. I wish that there was something that I could do for each and every one of those people who have suffered during this month. Had I been a religious person, I might have prayed, but my faith in any and all things has wilted to almost nothing. I do wish you a better year than what has been so far.

With all my love, dear readers.

Long time no post

So I broke his heart.

I went down there thinking that maybe I'd be able to be friends and just enjoy the time I had in FL. I thought that we'd be fine, and he would accept the easy friendship that formed with everyone I met down there. Instead, he wanted more, and I wasn't willing to give my heart away so easily. I never have been, and this has cost me a good deal. Too much hurt on my own without risking being hurt by someone else, but in the end, we both come out hurt. He was rejected, and I have lost a very good friend in the process.

I warned him though, telling him that my interest lied only in the realm of friends. He apparently felt chemistry that I did not. He wanted a romance that just wasn't meant to be, and I tried to tell him as much without being blunt. I know I failed in that respect and do not blame him for being hurt. I'm not an eloquent person when it comes to face to face encounters. I'm barely eloquent in text, so please, do give a girl a break.

Though I am a bit MIFFED that he couldn't even see me off at the bus station, instead leaving me to the friend who'd only fallen asleep two hours prior. I hope he was late to work that day. Twat.