Neuroses

I think I'm too neurotic for my own good. I think that part of it might not be as bad as I think, but I can never be sure. To quote a text conversation earlier this evening --

Me: "Well, if you have some time, and are feeling up to it, I figure I might want to do some damage control since I feel like I've been a mess the past few days."

K: "Damage control?"

Me: "I feel like I've been a huge mess for the past few days. To prove that I haven't completely lost my mind."

K: "That's a lost cause. You can't convince me you're sane now. :-P hehe"

After the past few days, this honestly made me feel better. Honestly, with January comes a good deal of psychological stress that I've been fairly incapable of handling. January entries from the past few years will give you a good idea of everything that has been going on. With two deaths that have left me devastated courtesy of a lack of handling abilities, I'm finally starting to learn to swim. I still want to cry. I still want to scream, but not so much. And that was what made me happy. Add to that was... The fact that he used the notion of combined self deprecation. It was sweet in a way, and made me feel better after having spent the better part of the day sick and the better part of the week driving myself nuts over the idea that maybe I'm too broken. That maybe I've been shattered one too many times.

I should not be getting this attached. He might only view me as a friend, and that will be setting me up for a good bit of heartbreak. But if I don't attempt at opening up, I might wind up breaking my own heart for simply lack of trying. That also means getting over this whole shyness thing that I've got going on.

One step at a time. Blarg.

Aw, hell

Simply put -- I think I may be falling for someone. Goofy smiles and the general wanting to see the person.

I'm going soft... And I'm not sure if I like or dislike it.

I know I need to just let go, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to actually make the attempt.

It's funny how admitting something can make one feel better. I know people say it does, but I just made the realization.

An Admittance

Earlier this week, I wound up telling someone something I'd never told anyone. I don't know if anyone has ever had any shred of an idea, but I know that it is something that I've been scared to admit for almost two decades.

To those who know me, they know that my father figure and I had a very unhealthy relationship -- he was a victim of the cycle of abuse, in the most simple of terms. His father beat him, and as such, he passed down that treatment onto me with the idea of "I was beaten when I was a kid." Part of this is the reason why I've never wanted kids. Part of this is the reason why I want nothing to do with children in all truth. I've seen brilliant little ones who I think would be tainted if I were to be too involved with their lives. They shine on their own. Why risk bringing them down?

To those who know me, they might know that I also don't have a good relationship with my grandfather. I think the fact that since I have left Dahlonega back in 2003, I've only seen my grandfather once proves that point. I don't know if anyone knows why.

That lies in the fact that when I was little, I wound up having to learn how to fight off an attacker from the once place a child should never have to -- inside my home.

My grandfather was meant to be a cheap live in baby sitter since my grandmother and father took random trips places (bank, grocery shopping, etc.) for hours and didn't take me. He was fairly new to the household. I was still fairly naive to everything that went on in the world. As a result I never anticipated my grandfather attempts at molesting me. I fought off enough to make it to my room where I was safe behind a locked door the first time.

He made an attempt a second time.  I learned how to fight back that day. Some people know the story of how I wound up having to nail Thomas Wade in the crotch, but where I learned that came from the second attempt my grandfather made. He never made another attempt.

That should have been the end of it, but I never actually made the admittance to anyone. I begged for him to be evicted, but it never happened. Instead, I kept being told, "We need the money." He was allowed to stay because we needed the money for bills and the like. The one decent tenant we had stay never touched me, but out of fear of it happening, the guy was evicted. I wonder what would have happened if I had told what happened that day.

I have never told anyone any of this except for one person. I think I'm too scared of losing everyone and everything that I've gotten attached to because the cracks might be too apparent. The idea that I am so stained might be appalling to those around me. They might choose to desert the girl who was scarred in such a way. I know that those who are truly there in terms of friends won't, but I can't help but be scared.

I want to smoke until people think there's a fire.

I want to scream until sirens can be heard in the distance.

I want to cry until deserts flood.

I want to feel numb.

I want to sleep until the pain's died away.

I want catharsis.

I want something more than feeling like I'm so inexorably broken.

I want to stop so that I can move on.

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care?
It's so unfair

Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking?
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking?
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking?
And I can't even move
(What can I do?)
When there's nothing left to say
(When there's nothing left to say)
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking?
(Choking, choking)
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken

There's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Just as I'm trying to come out of a downward slump, I find out that we're having to play baby sitter. Joy of fucking joys.

I can barely stomach being around the mother for extended periods of time. Why would I want to be around the child?

Dependence

Sometimes, I wish I could just break out my best friend and talk to him whenever I wanted. He's notorious for lifting my mood and undoing the damage that my own brain causes to my emotional sensibility. Or some shit like that.

I am feeling particularly broken right now, on the verge of tears for reasons I can only begin to understand. I wish I could just see "(Name) is currently typing..." I know it's not much, but for some reason, those few words would just make me smile and know that something is capable of making me feel human again. Something can make me feel like I'm more than a broken shell so jagged that I repel all those around me.

I hate distance. I hate drifting apart. I miss the best friend I've talked to so many times over the past 12 years.

It's nice to know that in a house full of people, I'm the one that can be left behind without a thought. Yay.