Not So Fa-la-la-la

As an update as to the present condition of my barely existent social life during this time of year, here's my latest post.


I wound up going to work last week, and for about four hours this past Monday. It's sad when you know that co-workers are seemingly sad to see you go, and you're honestly wishing that you didn't have to. For those of you who don't know, for the time being, I'm an office drone- I mean, office assistant. I file, copy, print, answer phones, etc. Now, for someone like me who should rarely be allowed around people outside of a classroom setting, this is a major sort of job. I shouldn't enjoy it as much as I do, but there is a sort of peace found in the repetitive nature of my job. One that has helped me through the past few months of living with insufferable roommates.


Now, at two in the morning, I find myself missing the job that I will occasionally rant about in person. I would normally be asleep right now, blissfully slumbering before class or work the next morning/afternoon. I'm not, and it's driving me crazy. I'm antsy and exhausted and numb all at once, if such a condition is possible. I'm wanting the life of waking up at 6 to be at work by 7:45. I'm wanting the life of the girl whose social life is currently on hiatus outside of hanging out with friends and the one co-worker who is just a year (if not less) older than I am.


Perhaps this is a sign that I should go to sleep. I don't know. When I'm tired as I am right now, I'm usually feeling more of an emotional drain. But then again, I've nothing to compare that drain to this week. With the exception of perhaps four people, I've not been around anyone this week. I've no sort of emotional overload since last week when stress levels were running high in the offices of my building.


Oh well. No more prattling on this night.


Good night to all who might come across this. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Yule, Kwanzaa, etc. I can't seem to remember all of the holidays that take place around this time of year, and I don't feel like offending anyone right now by getting everything wrong.


And also -- Happy New Year All!

Still Haven't Learned

I think I'm starting to remember what it is like to be lonely. I know that the holidays inspire loneliness when one is not surrounded by familiar faces of loved ones, but this time it's different. Over a week and a half until Christmas, and I find myself missing those who I associate with. The neighbor and his girlfriend are here, so they're keeping me from going too crazy, but the old saying of "Two's company, three's a crowd," seems to be stabbing me in the guilt center of my emotional side.


I know that I'd probably have felt the same way if I'd gone home, or had planned on going home. I think I'm just being too affected by the quiet of my complex.


I've never been a big fan of silence. It always seems to be inspiring some sort of negative result, whether that result be letting my thoughts run rampant or just giving me nothing to distract from every little bit of self doubt that tap dances along my psyche. I always seem at my lowest when I'm anywhere that the sound level is little to none. Strange how it seems I'm incapable of tolerating too much noise. That might simply be due to the fact that I am the one who has to be controlling the noise.


I'm rambling. I know I am. I'm just in a quirked mood.

Until later, little ones.

Why?

Why is it so hard for a guy to understand that I don't masturbate? I don't get it. I lost count of the number of times that I said it last night, and all I got in return was "here's why you should." I've heard it all before. I honestly have no interest in it. I don't see anything wrong with anyone who does, so why should anyone see anything wrong with the fact that I don't?


Hell, why did he have to bring it up in the first place? I didn't care if he was sexually frustrated. I'm not a girlfriend. I'm not a fuck buddy. I'm the girl who talks to him. Now, I'm not even sure if I feel comfortable talking to him. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't want to have to worry about whether or not I'm going to be getting questioned every few minutes about my own personal habits.


I'm sorry I don't get sexually frustrated easily. I'm sorry my sex drive is as controlled as it is.


You know what? I'm wrong. I'm not sorry for those things.


I'm sorry the guy was a horny bastard last night. I'm sorry his plans to get laid last night fell through. I'm not sorry for the fact that I am the way I am.


And this is why I'm seriously considering giving up guys altogether.

Has it truly been so long?

Probably, I've pretty much ignored the blog route for a while, instead, I've been opting to kill myself with final exams and too much caffeine.

It was all worth it though. My grades for the classes I worried about were spectacular. Especially considering I'd not seen one of the letters as a sort of indicator of my academic success in a good two years. What can I say? When it comes to proper school work, I am lazy to the point that lazy doesn't cover it.


Anyways, this semester, my two craziest courses were Restoration and 18th Century Lit, a course in which the professor actually expected students to speak and be outgoing and the like, and Undergraduate research, which required a journal of 80+ entries or so as well as all of the stories and pieces that had been worked out throughout the semester. Well, listen here kiddies... In the end my journal had about 35, with a small letter of apology as to why it was so short, as well as three pieces (as is the norm), and an annotated bibliography that listed books that I'd not touched, ever.


I know I seem like the pinnacle of slackerdom with this, getting by with as little work as possible, but this is why I'm surprised. I've gotten myself accustomed to the idea of not doing much and getting by with something along the lines of a B to a D (mostly the first since these are my major courses after all). I'm wondering what happened that came out with me earning an A.

Not that I'm not excited. Don't get me wrong. This has me jumping for joy. Just surprised joy.