Well, fuck me...
I'm getting attached to someone...
I'm getting attached to someone...
A journey of self discovery that will hopefully bring me back to a place that I can truly call home, no matter where I am physically.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Kids
Honestly, I don't ever see myself having children. My patience level with kids grows with each time I'm around one, but with each day so do my little neuroses and ticks that could prove at least damaging to a child.
Now, I say this after having grown up in an abusive household where all my defense mechanisms were formed. I've seen first hand that abuse is a cyclical occurrence -- Parent abuses child who becomes a parent that abuses a child. I'm not saying it happens in all cases. Far from actually. I'm saying that the potential is there. Some people overcome this backing and make wonderful parents. But of those who don't break the cycle, what kind of a life is that for a child? A life where terms of love are actually backhanded stabs at a child's self worth that only grow into words that are feared or abhorred.. Where touch is feared because it is associated with a lifetime of memories of being struck.
Such is the life that I grew up enduring. I came out scarred, and my biggest fear for the future is having a child that will grow up hating me because I'm as bad as my parentals were (an abusive father figure who I refuse to see to this day and a bio-mother who abandoned me only to write when I was 15 asking for a blue dress for her birthday). Or worse. I worry that one day, I'll wind up hurting or killing any child that I may have. I know that these fears may seem out there, but they're what I think about whenever I think about the possibility of ever having a kid.
Especially when I feel myself cringing at the sound of a baby crying or screaming.
Yeah, a little bit of truth about the author today.
Now, I say this after having grown up in an abusive household where all my defense mechanisms were formed. I've seen first hand that abuse is a cyclical occurrence -- Parent abuses child who becomes a parent that abuses a child. I'm not saying it happens in all cases. Far from actually. I'm saying that the potential is there. Some people overcome this backing and make wonderful parents. But of those who don't break the cycle, what kind of a life is that for a child? A life where terms of love are actually backhanded stabs at a child's self worth that only grow into words that are feared or abhorred.. Where touch is feared because it is associated with a lifetime of memories of being struck.
Such is the life that I grew up enduring. I came out scarred, and my biggest fear for the future is having a child that will grow up hating me because I'm as bad as my parentals were (an abusive father figure who I refuse to see to this day and a bio-mother who abandoned me only to write when I was 15 asking for a blue dress for her birthday). Or worse. I worry that one day, I'll wind up hurting or killing any child that I may have. I know that these fears may seem out there, but they're what I think about whenever I think about the possibility of ever having a kid.
Especially when I feel myself cringing at the sound of a baby crying or screaming.
Yeah, a little bit of truth about the author today.
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