Well, someone's been reading... And not well

I think that as someone who chooses to respect the wishes of others, I should be treated with that same respect.

I do not want a relationship, and he still pushes, trying to figure out why in an attempt to gain some of the closeness we had, but I wonder if it is too little too late. I cannot maintain interest, knowing his intentions and goals are solely physical. I want emotional and mental intimacy. Not a fuck buddy.

There have been few who I have felt this way with, and those are the ones I would ever truly consider for lovers in any sense.

These stories I shall divulge later, when I truly feel comfortable telling them.

Personal Growth

On a slightly more terrifying note, as I look back at my earlier entries, I can't help but notice that I have grown as a person. Yes, I'm still fairly self centered (this is MY blog after all), but my life no longer focuses on grades and not killing my roommates. Even in the past four posts, I've seen that my personal opinion of myself has improved. I'm still the fairly self deprecating creature that can be found in my OLD blog, but I'm no longer seeking out approval from those around me as much as I used to. I noticed that when I wrote that I deserved better, I actually meant it. I'm also finding myself no longer willing to hurt myself by straining to maintain old relationships that had the possibility of being harmful in the end.

I think I'm finally growing up, after twenty some odd years.

Yay me.

Enough.

Forget you, and the friendship that you have decided to be nothing more than a long drawn out pursuit for a tumble between the sheets. Forget you, and the fact that you decided that I wasn't worth being friends with when I turned down your romantic advances. Forget you, and the fact that you don't seem capable of maintaining a friendship that isn't all about you getting your cock sucked.


I came into the friendship wanting nothing more than that. I told you that, and now you're so bleeding immature that you're willing to throw away the friendship and trust that took months to forge. I don't appreciate the fact that you are so capable of throwing away the long conversations. I don't appreciate the sense of betrayal that dares to rear its head when I think of the times I called you crying over the time of our friendship, knowing that in the end it was just a ploy to get into my pants.


You know what? I'm glad I never slept with you. You never deserved me, and I see that now.


So, if you ever decide to grow up, then feel free to contact me. I'm through making the effort.

Apology

To those who at one time followed this blog, I apologise (yes, British spelling. Get over it) for my long absence. I've been away, working and making attempts at getting through a life that has not been easy over the past two years. While, for the first few months, I made a fair attempt at keeping this up to date, I find that I in the end failed.

I make no promises to be much of a success, but I find that life has led me here and I hope to figure out why. Until then, I hope that my many anecdotes, neuroses, and quiet contemplations keep you entertained. Well, not really, but that sounds like something nice to say, doesn't it. This blog is mine, and I write for my entertainment alone. Readers are just along for the ride.

As for an update, while I have suffered no personal loss in the last year, I find that my mind drifts on to the ones from the past two, which happened shortly after the post about how I wanted to say something. I still do, but the words are more easily slipping from the tips of my fingers than they are from my mouth.

January is not a good month for myself, or a few of the others who I am in touch with, and for that I wish to say that I am sorry. I wish that there was something that I could do for each and every one of those people who have suffered during this month. Had I been a religious person, I might have prayed, but my faith in any and all things has wilted to almost nothing. I do wish you a better year than what has been so far.

With all my love, dear readers.

Long time no post

So I broke his heart.

I went down there thinking that maybe I'd be able to be friends and just enjoy the time I had in FL. I thought that we'd be fine, and he would accept the easy friendship that formed with everyone I met down there. Instead, he wanted more, and I wasn't willing to give my heart away so easily. I never have been, and this has cost me a good deal. Too much hurt on my own without risking being hurt by someone else, but in the end, we both come out hurt. He was rejected, and I have lost a very good friend in the process.

I warned him though, telling him that my interest lied only in the realm of friends. He apparently felt chemistry that I did not. He wanted a romance that just wasn't meant to be, and I tried to tell him as much without being blunt. I know I failed in that respect and do not blame him for being hurt. I'm not an eloquent person when it comes to face to face encounters. I'm barely eloquent in text, so please, do give a girl a break.

Though I am a bit MIFFED that he couldn't even see me off at the bus station, instead leaving me to the friend who'd only fallen asleep two hours prior. I hope he was late to work that day. Twat.

It's strange, the way things work out lately. I like to think that I am on my way to forming a few friendships with coworkers at my latest place of employment, but I cannot help but wonder about the friendships I had when I was in high school.


I look at pictures of people who claim to be friends with me, and I can't help but ask, "Who are these people?"

I'd like to think that I recognize people who meant a great deal to me in the days of my youth, but now, there are people I've apparently impacted who I don't know from the few seniors who walk by my place of employment whenever I am behind the counter.


But as I continue to think about it, I can't help but wonder if it's not their perception of the association we shared that's skewed, but mine. I have never claimed to hold every thing to the same value that "normal" people do. I wouldn't dream of it. I appreciate the meaning of the word friendship that I have in my mind.


Do passengers of two ships that pass in the night consider each other friends?


And I'm not sure if that made much sense. Friendship, as something wholly definable, never did to me, so I suppose my odd little metaphors wouldn't.


Strange. Oh, well. For the night, I give up on my questions and ponderings. My mind races enough already as I sleep.


To those who read this, good night and may you have pleasant or no dreams.

Year one. Less than eight months in and I found myself crippled by the force of day. Spent a chunk of the day trying to ignore the workings of my own mind. Wound up failing during the later part of the day, but I lived, I suppose.

Not without injury though... Wound up walking yesterday and almost can't walk as a result today. I am pretty sure that my seven mile walk is going to turn into a nine mile walk next week at the rate I'm going. Especially considering I walked five miles last week.

This is turning into a year of loss. Family and friends have died or gotten sick. The latest one is a girl who I befriended but haven't talked to in years. She is also the sister of an old friend of mine. Barely out of her teens.


Never would have expected this to happen after everything that has taken place earlier this year.


I don't think I want to hope for this year to improve. Each time I do, it only gets worse.

It still hurts enough to cry when I think about this past year. I'm tired of feeling like this. I guess the line from one of Stephenie Meyer's novels holds true unfortunately --


"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget."

It is odd, how easily talking to an old friend can bring up your mood. I am sure that the last time I talked to one of them was before I realized that this coming year would not include my returning to the field of academia. I know that I missed our random bouts of sniping at each other, but I did not realize how much.


Well, earlier today, I got to talk to him. My mood, which had been fairly good to begin with, seemed to have skyrocketed. I found myself laughing more than I have in a while. I even told him that I miss him, anticipating his reaction to be one of playful mocking. There was a touch of that, but in the end, he admitted the same. I have missed this sort of bantering with friends.


To all those who read this, I encourage you to go out and reconnect with old friends, even if for a moment. Strike up a conversation. Offer a smile. Just do something. You might be surprised.