Not even started

I'm wishing that January was over already. It didn't hit this hard last year. Why am I feeling like I'm getting slapped around emotionally already? 

Bing Bang Boom

What in the world is wrong with me?

One stupid inconsequential thing goes wrong tonight, and the next thing I know, my brain is downward spiraling, and it's taking far too much thought and self control to keep myself in check. There are alcohol and razors and needles and pills in the house, and I'm far too aware of that.

So again I have to ask-- What in the world is wrong with me!

On a Serious Note

I try to keep this blog free of political leanings, barring the desire for people to let women decide what to do with their bodies -- in every sense. But in the latest thing to catch my interest, Obama's Health Care Reform, one politician's words struck me as funny.

"Europeanizing Health Care."

This was said as though it were a bad thing. I admit we're far from being like Europe in terms of our Health Care, but I'm fine with that. Why? Because according to the World Health Organization's Ranking of Health Systems, the top five were all European Countries. Fifteen out of the top twenty countries were in Europe. Where did the United States come in? #37.

Why? Personally, I think it was because they have a different sort of health care system. There is a chance for proper health care in the top fifteen, while in the states, if you aren't making below a certain amount, which is well below the poverty line ($208 monthly/$2496 yearly in Georgia, though amounts vary from state to state), you can't dream of qualifying for medicaid (the closest to health care coverage for those who can't access by any other means). Even women with children have to make below a certain amount, though that isn't much more than what a single person is allowed to earn.

But I'm running out of time currently. Work calls, and I still need to get ready. This was just something I felt the need to comment on. 

Baggage

So I told K about A. I think K got a little mad at the fact that I was dependent on A during rougher times of my life. Not at me, but at A. I explained everything, and K didn't seem too scared off by my baggage. And I mean baggage. Granted, if he wasn't at least thinking that I'd ever considered suicide, then, I'd hidden it well. I just wonder how obvious it was that I was, at one point, too attached. 

Anyways, hopefully, there won't be any sort of repercussions from the great revelations of tonight. 

Moving on

For the first time in a long time, I thought about someone who, at one point, was a major part of my life just because he was the one person I felt I could talk to about any and everything. He was my best friend, and I was half in love with him (okay, potentially more than half). Tonight, I came to the realization that, just maybe, I've finally moved on. I don't know if I should be relieved or saddened.

But with that, I have to wonder if I have indeed moved on, what have I moved on to? To being a stronger person because of this connection I once had, or to another connection that may never amount to anything? I think I am falling for someone, but I don't think I've fallen. The possibility of this scares me. But then, it's the same thing all over again, and it feels exactly the same yet completely different.

God, it's strange the way just thinking about all of this just makes me want to cry, and go to the best friend, but I don't know if that's an emotionally healthy option anymore. 

Exhausted

This patience this is overrated. I'm doing what I can to make things better for my crew at work (who due to my manager being a passive aggressive wench, I've gotten to work with a good deal more), but it's taking a while. And honestly, it's wearing at me. My emotional and mental reserves are drained, and if not for the people I call friends, I don't think I'd have made it this long.

Granted, I'm trying to figure out how much of this is due to the fact that I've pretty much left myself emotionally opened for a while and it's hurting because while I'm open, the person in question is seemingly stuck in friend mode. Such is the problem with being the person with no confidence, no real redeeming qualities, and no real hope who falls for her best friend time and time again.

Ah well, back to better thoughts. If things work out... I'll be putting my name in for consideration in terms of managing my little corner of the work world. That's a very optimistic if.

Update for those who follow this thing --

I'm alive? I survived Hell Week and managed to piss off my manager because I was called for Jury Selection (but didn't get picked for actual duty) and had to take the week off.

Okay, I suppose that I didn't have to, but you know what? My temper was flaring by the time Hell Week rolled around, and she was egging me on by being whiny and lazy. I was done. So I talked to the AA and she put in for my vacation time. The manager pretty much said that I shouldn't be taking my vacation, despite how I have injured myself recently only to barely take a day to rest.

But enough about that.

Just wanted to say that just when I was getting to the point of losing faith in people (or rather one person in particular), I was given a reason to not give it up. And I got to play with a farting hippo puppet. For those who watch NCIS, you should know what I'm talking about. And what was the most awesome... It had a little spiked collar on! Yay!

But yeah, I'm alive, and this has been a good week. Just not sure if I'm going to be up to dealing with work next week, but hey, at least I get my raise on this coming paycheck (paid for doing 34 hours of NOTHING!)

Neuroses

I think I'm too neurotic for my own good. I think that part of it might not be as bad as I think, but I can never be sure. To quote a text conversation earlier this evening --

Me: "Well, if you have some time, and are feeling up to it, I figure I might want to do some damage control since I feel like I've been a mess the past few days."

K: "Damage control?"

Me: "I feel like I've been a huge mess for the past few days. To prove that I haven't completely lost my mind."

K: "That's a lost cause. You can't convince me you're sane now. :-P hehe"

After the past few days, this honestly made me feel better. Honestly, with January comes a good deal of psychological stress that I've been fairly incapable of handling. January entries from the past few years will give you a good idea of everything that has been going on. With two deaths that have left me devastated courtesy of a lack of handling abilities, I'm finally starting to learn to swim. I still want to cry. I still want to scream, but not so much. And that was what made me happy. Add to that was... The fact that he used the notion of combined self deprecation. It was sweet in a way, and made me feel better after having spent the better part of the day sick and the better part of the week driving myself nuts over the idea that maybe I'm too broken. That maybe I've been shattered one too many times.

I should not be getting this attached. He might only view me as a friend, and that will be setting me up for a good bit of heartbreak. But if I don't attempt at opening up, I might wind up breaking my own heart for simply lack of trying. That also means getting over this whole shyness thing that I've got going on.

One step at a time. Blarg.

Aw, hell

Simply put -- I think I may be falling for someone. Goofy smiles and the general wanting to see the person.

I'm going soft... And I'm not sure if I like or dislike it.

I know I need to just let go, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to actually make the attempt.