Blah

Why do I let myself get so dragged down when I shouldn't have let myself get emotionally attached in the first place? Fuck. 

Simply Put

Don't like me? Don't care.

I'm finally hitting that point where I'm just done giving a shit.

Huh...

No wonder he liked her. She is a "little girl" that he can fuck without legal repercussions...

(Don't ask... It's a long story. I just needed to get that out there) 

When did it become outlawed...

For me to say that I'm feeling bad in some shape or form?

I admit to having an emotionally bad day -- "Oh, this time of year screws with her."
I admit to feeling physical discomfort -- "Well, -insert name here- has been in pain all day and barely managed to get out of bed."

I'm fucking HUMAN! I'm supposed to feel. I push myself. I feel pain.

Especially, when I go from working to going out, which I wasn't initially planning on doing, to working again with little to no chance to stop and let my body recuperate. When my arms are aching and trembling to the point they don't want to work -- when the muscles in my legs attempt to give out going up the stairs at work leaving me to worry that I was going to have to relive Valentine's day 2006. When I spend the latter part of the day almost dropping drinks that weigh just over a pound. When I finally get a chance to sit down only to have my feet start cramping up because they finally don't have to be flat in a pair of falling apart shoes.

Do I deserve to be treated like some whining little brat? Do I have to be fucking chronically sick just to be allowed to say how I'm feeling?

Don't take this as a condemnation. It's not. It's a statement of how I don't think it's fair that I have to keep my mouth shut when I'm feeling discomfort. How everyone else can go and say how their backs are hurting or their hips are popping out of place, yet if I open my mouth to say something, I keep getting all but told to shut the hell up, in so many words. 

Happy Fucking New Year

Less than two hours to go until the end of 2012, and as much as I know I should go out and enjoy it with my friends, I can't do it. It's been a struggle to keep everything at bay for the past two days, and even then, I failed to keep it all in check. Right now, tears form in my eyes, impulses run rampant through my head, and normally unthinkable images flash through my imagination.

I've been told to decompress. That it would be good for me, but how can I? How can I when I hate everything around me for the most petty of reasons? When I want nothing more than to scream and rip into them for being happy when I'm incapable of that sensation?

I just want to give in. I want this struggle to be done and over with. I don't want to fight with my own mind for the rest of my life. I just want peace. 

Not even started

I'm wishing that January was over already. It didn't hit this hard last year. Why am I feeling like I'm getting slapped around emotionally already? 

Bing Bang Boom

What in the world is wrong with me?

One stupid inconsequential thing goes wrong tonight, and the next thing I know, my brain is downward spiraling, and it's taking far too much thought and self control to keep myself in check. There are alcohol and razors and needles and pills in the house, and I'm far too aware of that.

So again I have to ask-- What in the world is wrong with me!

On a Serious Note

I try to keep this blog free of political leanings, barring the desire for people to let women decide what to do with their bodies -- in every sense. But in the latest thing to catch my interest, Obama's Health Care Reform, one politician's words struck me as funny.

"Europeanizing Health Care."

This was said as though it were a bad thing. I admit we're far from being like Europe in terms of our Health Care, but I'm fine with that. Why? Because according to the World Health Organization's Ranking of Health Systems, the top five were all European Countries. Fifteen out of the top twenty countries were in Europe. Where did the United States come in? #37.

Why? Personally, I think it was because they have a different sort of health care system. There is a chance for proper health care in the top fifteen, while in the states, if you aren't making below a certain amount, which is well below the poverty line ($208 monthly/$2496 yearly in Georgia, though amounts vary from state to state), you can't dream of qualifying for medicaid (the closest to health care coverage for those who can't access by any other means). Even women with children have to make below a certain amount, though that isn't much more than what a single person is allowed to earn.

But I'm running out of time currently. Work calls, and I still need to get ready. This was just something I felt the need to comment on. 

Baggage

So I told K about A. I think K got a little mad at the fact that I was dependent on A during rougher times of my life. Not at me, but at A. I explained everything, and K didn't seem too scared off by my baggage. And I mean baggage. Granted, if he wasn't at least thinking that I'd ever considered suicide, then, I'd hidden it well. I just wonder how obvious it was that I was, at one point, too attached. 

Anyways, hopefully, there won't be any sort of repercussions from the great revelations of tonight. 

Moving on

For the first time in a long time, I thought about someone who, at one point, was a major part of my life just because he was the one person I felt I could talk to about any and everything. He was my best friend, and I was half in love with him (okay, potentially more than half). Tonight, I came to the realization that, just maybe, I've finally moved on. I don't know if I should be relieved or saddened.

But with that, I have to wonder if I have indeed moved on, what have I moved on to? To being a stronger person because of this connection I once had, or to another connection that may never amount to anything? I think I am falling for someone, but I don't think I've fallen. The possibility of this scares me. But then, it's the same thing all over again, and it feels exactly the same yet completely different.

God, it's strange the way just thinking about all of this just makes me want to cry, and go to the best friend, but I don't know if that's an emotionally healthy option anymore.